You Know You’re a Skydiver When…

*Someone offers you a second plate of a very delicious and fattening dessert
and you say: “No thank you, I’m watching my fall rate.”
*Each time you ride on an airline you insist on sitting by the door and wearing
your rig.
*You get engaged, and your spouse-to-be is thinking, “I can’t believe I
convinced him(her) to take the honeymoon in Paris!” and YOU’RE thinking, “I
can’t believe I convinced her(him) to take the honeymoon in Perris!”
*You’re watching a movie and someone falls/jumps/gets pushed off a building and
you yell “PULL!!”
*You can’t put on a backpack without checking for leg straps.
*You’re taking a walk, spot a good sized field, and check for obstacles and
wind direction to see how you’d make your final.
*You’re sitting in the TWA dome in St. Louis, the Rams score, the crowd cheers,
and you’re thinking “I bet I could base this thing. I’ve got my rig in the
car.”
*Your clothes are kept on the floor so that your gear can have it’s own closet.
*You’ll wake up at 6:30am on the weekends to get to the DZ, but you can’t seem
to be awake by 7:30 on the weekdays to be at work by 8.
*BOC goes from meaning “Blue Oyster Cult” to meaning “Bottom of Container”.
*You’re making love to your partner and they whisper “I’ve never done this
before” and you yell out “BEEEER!”.
*On cloudy/windy days you go to the drop zone anyway and bitch about the
weather.
*On cloudy/windy days you pull out your parachute and pack it just to say that
you’ve done something skydiving-related.
*You “dirt-dive”, “post-dive” and critique your love-making sessions.
*The smell of bug spray makes you think of skydiving.
*Whenever a passenger in a fast-moving car, you stick your head out the window
and yell “FIVE LEFT” to the driver.
Whenever leaving an establishment you yell “DOOR” to all the patrons before
opening the door.
*You don’t own any clothing that you didn’t get at a boogie.
*Every single one of your whuffo friends is to the point of wanting to kill you
every time you mention skydiving.
*You analyze every flag you see in terms of it’s too windy/not too windy to
jump.
*You analyze every flag you see in terms of which direction you’d face to land.
*It’s a dark sky with low clouds and you’re thinking “Hop -n- Pops!”.
*It’s so windy that trees are bending over and you’re thinking “Cross
country!”.
*You allow a maximum 55 seconds of “working time” when making love.
*You can’t think of a good reason to pick up your mail for three weeks after
your issues of “Skydiving” and “Parachutist” arrive.
*You feel naked without at least one jump ticket in your wallet.
*You sign your checks with your name and USPA number.
*You know to the tenth of a mile how far it is from your driveway to the drop
zone’s driveway.
*Every time someone’s beeper goes off you look at your watch to see if it’s
break-off altitude.
*You don’t remember your anniversary or your mother’s birthday, but you know
down to the second how much accumulated freefall time you have.
*You analyze sessions of love-making in terms of “points turned”.
*You refer to your recent break-up as an “intentional cut-away”.
*You check the local weather forecast every hour before the weekend.
*You get mad at the weatherman when he predicts rain for the weekend.
*You can’t remember the true meanings of the words “Stiletto” “Javelin” “Talon”
“Racer” …..
*You walk everywhere watching the sky.
*You show up at the DZ even on the worst-weather days because at least you can
sit around drinking beer.
*You can’t mention the word “first” in casual conversation, at work, or ever in
reference to yourself.
*You have your paycheck direct-deposited into the DZ account.
*You plan your vacations around skydiving boogies.
*On a full moon night, you look up and think “Night jumps!”
*You know the DZ phone number while you don’t even know your own.
*You know what the lines mean on a weather map.
*HIM, HIM…..FUCK HIM!!
*Anytime you have sex with someone for the first time you think “Beer!”
*You’ve kissed more people in freefall than you have on the ground.
*Your whuffo friends just don’t understand why you would want to “do” a horny
gorilla.
*You drive a beaten-up car because you really need that new canopy more.
*You have no idea what is happening on the weekends in your town.
*You have more pairs of Tevas than you do sneakers.
*You catch yourself flaking the bed instead of making it.
*The term “PC” makes you think of pilot chutes, not personal computers.
*You name your dog “Toggles”.
*Hey Asshole!…..What?!? Count off!…..ONE!
*You wonder what whuffos _DO_ with themselves on gorgeous summer weekends
*You look at your VCR and think, “Hmm, that’s gotta be worth a few jumps.”
*You forget to lower your voice when talking to your jumper friends in a
restaurant about the weekend’s lost dildos, loose leg straps and lack of
penetration
*You refer to Weddings, Funerals, Birthdays, etc. as ‘Relative Work’
*You wish for wind, rain, snow, earthquakes, locusts, tornadoes, etc. on days
you have to work or have other ‘Relative Work’ to do.
*You can’t imagine how anyone can go on vacation without a parachute.
*Your rig costs more than your trailer.
*The word “4-way” has a whole new meaning.
*You love the smell of ‘Jet A’ in the morning!
*Losing your job is a reason for celebration!
*Your ‘work’ clothes have grippers.
*You wear a Skydiving T-shirt and bring a six pack to a job interview.
*You try to convince the State Trooper that your “D” license allows you to do
ANYTHING!
*Your log book is thicker than any book you’ve ever read.
*You stop by the New River Bridge and take a look. All the others are saying
‘damn, look how high it is’ and you’re saying ‘damn, look how low it is’.
*When you buy anything you calculate how many skydives it will cost.
*When you wear your rig on commercial passenger flights, just in case.
*When seeing seats in a twin otter gives you the willies.
*When you go to divorce court and give your ex everything as long as you can
keep all your skydiving gear.
*When buying a house seems like a terrible waste of jump money.
*When you own three rigs, three altimeters, three Dytters….
*When you log a jump on December 25 and the fact it is Christmas doesn’t enter
your mind.
*Your six year old son can teach the first jump course.
*You put your arms down and back in a full track when running down stairs.
*You estimate your chances of pulling off a hard front riser turn when looking
out any window above four stories.
*When you wake up with a mean hangover in a tent, the first thing you check is
your rig. Then the person sleeping next to you.
*You find yourself mentally telling the pilot when to flare while landing on a
commercial flight.
*Your Christmas tree has more skydivers on it that an Otter can carry.
*Your thinking about taking all the but the driver’s seats out of your car.
*Every time you get pulled over for speeding you tell the cop you just made
your first skydive in the hopes that he will let you go.
*Your favorite movie in the world is just over sixty seconds long.
*Your whuffo friends only call if the weather man says the weekend will be
shitty.
*Your friends look at the sky and say, “look at all those clouds”, and you say,
“look at all those holes!”.
*You wake up in the morning feeling like death warmed over, after having a few
too many beers the night before, and your solution to this consists of riding
in an extremely loud vehicle for about twenty minutes, throwing yourself out
the door and NOT! killing yourself.
*You can’t think of a better way to relax other than falling 10,000 feet.
*You fill out your packing data card in Braille and try to convince the drop
zone owner it’s legal.
*When you see a green stop light you open a beer.
*You won’t go on a commercial airliner without your gear.
*You consider sleeping in a slanted plane as comfortable.
*You see an incredibly beautiful woman and you think, “hmm, I wonder if I can
talk her into……skydiving!”.
*Your girlfriend holds out her left hand and says the word diamond. You picture
a four-way formation, look at your girlfriends hand realize the diamond she’s
talking about is going to cost over 200 jumps, and then, with a smile, picture
your girlfriend’s suitcases on the porch.
*Your friend says “let’s go to the beach”, and you grab your rig.
*You try to convince the flight attendant on a commercial flight that you
really! would be much more comfortable sitting on the floor.
*Your friends think it’s funny to, when you are sleeping, blow a fan in your
face and set a beeper off near your ear.
*When someone asks you where you’re from, you reply with the name of your DZ,
not your hometown.

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Published by

DoZ3r

Well.. At the moment 20 years old with 104 jumps...